WELCOME TO THE PSYCHOLOGY CLINIC HELPLINE!

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are passive-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you are codependent, please press 2 for the passive-dependent person.

If you are manic-depressive, press 0 gently, then 9 hard, then 0 gently, then 9 hard.

If you have multiple personality disorder, press 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7 followed by ####.

If you have borderline personality disorder, press 8 for help, then hang up. Call back immediately raging about being ignored. Then began crying and apologize profusely for losing your temper. Repeat process.

If you are paranoid or delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line and we'll trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.